Quick update!

Haven’t felt like writing lately, but certainly have been processing a lot of “stuff” in my head…and I have learned that while that is good…it’s also pretty one sided!  So I will attempt to catch you up on what’s been floating around in my mind.

1.  My current events class makes me both happy and sad.  Happy b/c I absolutely love my students!  They are eager to learn, polite, and great people.  Sad b/c they have shown me where our society really loses so many of our citizens.  They came to me unaware of local, national, or world events simply b/c the news was overwhelming to them.  They didn’t understand the basic concepts being discussed so they tuned out the news.  Concepts like the difference between democrats and republicans.  This might be how George got elected TWICE!  Sorry if I offend any republicans.

2.  I am in a relationship that is good/bad (join the club, right?)  But I am stuck.  I am not happy or unhappy.  I choose to stay for companionship, and the desire to not hurt someone’s feelings.  I know what I should be doing, but am unable to do it.

3.  My mother’s death day is looming and it is once again pulling me apart.  I know it will get easier or different in time, but I work on a kind of “kid logic” in that the future doesn’t exist for me so I see never ending pain.

4.  In my world religions course we had a woman come in and take us through a meditation.  The kids loved it and it really helped me!  It was a “releasing” meditation, and boy have I been cleaning out my closet!

5.  Lastly, I know I should be taking better care of myself, but it is so much easier to take a nap.

World Religions course…

My kids have a had a great time investigating Hinduism so far…did you know that Hinu’s believe that all religions are acceptable?  They feel that God has different ways to reach the many different types of people out there.  They describe eating a cake with fingers or a fork tastes just as sweet.  I like that viewpoint…it’s very Christian like!  (Said with tongue in cheek, with a sarcastic tone)

There oughta be a law!

My Sunday morning ritual is to get up, make coffee, shuffle down the hall in my pj’s hair a mess to collect the Sunday paper from the machine at the end of the hall.  Shouldn’t be a big deal, but every Sunday my heart waits at the top of my stomach hoping the paper has been delivered.  This morning no paper.  It should be a law that if a machine is in place, the paper should be delivered.  Enough said.

Anniversary sounds too celebratory for this event…

I look back on the past year and wonder if I have been awake for any of it…it is coming up on a year since my mother’s death and I can’t believe I have survived one day, let alone a whole year.  As I reflect back I wonder if I have “survived” it at all…my memories of the past year are fuzzy and not really positive.

 

In the past year I have involved myself in a relationship that gives me more grief than joy.  I spent my whole summer waiting for the relationship to blossom and instead found myself sleeping the summer away.  I have avoided contact with my father over the past year due to the fact that I have had difficulty dealing with his method of coping.  I have consistently chosen to do nothing, sleep, stay home rather than venture out and find things to do.  I feel as though I am going through the motions of living without actually participating.

 

I’m sure most of you will say I am just grieving, and I think that is true, but when do I snap out of the numbness?  I know that this isn’t what my mother would want, but I can’t seem to change my viewpoint.  The pain sure does run deep.

Helpful chatter…

I feel as though the addition of blogging to my life will help me work through a lot of my “issues,” but today I was reminded just how theraputic talking things out can be.  I usually do a ton of talking in my head…full blown conversations with doubts, surprises, little white lies when needed, and sometimes a resolution.  Today I had a live discussion with other people involved, I know, call me crazy, but it really was helpful.  I found that having others comment on stuff I already knew, and actually listening to myself explain my actions helped me hear how ridiculous my reasoning has been.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t mean I am ready to make changes, but I am at least more aware.  Humans are social, and we need to remember that others can, and will help us through our troubles.

Just a side note…please don’t judge me on puncuation…I have a lot of trouble with it!

I am formulating some questions for my world religions course…I may bounce a few off of you…

Ushering in a new era!!!!?

I have decided to jump on the bandwagon, embrace the changing world, ride the wave of enthusiasm…in short, I am now going to do my bantering, arguing, complaining, singing, wishing, etc., on the web!  If the world is poised ready to change the face of politics, go Obama, then I am ready to step out of my comfort zone and express myself to the world.  I will throw caution to the wind and not worry what others might think of my rantings…I am going to express myself, for me mostly, but so that others who might feel the same way can rejoice in the knowledge that they aren’t crazy!

So, welcome to my world!  If you choose to continue to read about my thoughts…hang on, it’s going to be a wild ride!

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